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Entries for December, 2008

First time

First time on December 21, 2008 at 02:46 PM |

Will someone find me here? I do not know. That is my very question.

Sometimes Life hurts

Sometimes Life hurts on December 21, 2008 at 03:12 PM |

who wants to be in pain? I do. Call me a massochist but that's all I want. pain pain pain. More please. I want more.

Happiness versus joy

Happiness versus joy on December 21, 2008 at 10:56 PM |

When problems trudge your way, your only way out is to drown yourself from alcohol, get wasted and busted. We want to drink because we want to forget, we want to be happy. That's happiness. When we hear  the strumming of a guitar, the sound of a drum, any form of music. We feel so alive and happy but when the music stops. We are again shaken my utter sadness. But what is joy? Joy is something that we can possess, it's coming from the inside. It cannot be hindered by the halting of the music, by losing the effect of alcohol inside the body.

Therefore, Happiness is something we get outside, joy comes from within.

Existence

Existence on December 22, 2008 at 09:50 AM |

You know why I hate mornings? Because every time I open my eyes, I see the sun, it looks so vibrant, it looks so alive and enthusiastic and as I examine myself, I see no reason to live anymore. It's always the same day.

Depression. Frustration. Life. Breakfast. Lunch. Dinner. Sleep. Work. People. More Depression. Stress. More stress. Confusion. More confusion. Heartbreaks. More heartbreaks. Life. Again. Over and over. Pain. More pains. Happiness. Life.

Ah is this life?

confusions

confusions on December 22, 2008 at 08:47 PM |

It's a life deal, everyone gets a little lonely, no matter how great the company you have. I don't know why I have let my past ruin me. Did my past ruin me? Or it's me, who ruin myself? Life is mostly about decisions. There are things we cannot control but mostly of the things we do lie in our hands. But why do we always feel so lonely where in fact everything is just a goddamned decision? Because no matter how great your life is, we feel this void inside our hearts, when we shut our eyes at night, we see a different vision, a different life, a different self. We dream because we feel that there is still lacking in our lives. What could this be? What is this thing that would complete our entire being?

Paroxysms of rage

Paroxysms of rage on December 23, 2008 at 08:38 AM |

This is another rambling from a sleepless and restless soul wandering in her own dreamland. In my place, I've never found anyone who can love someone more than themselves. I tried to look around, I tried to walk as far as the strength of my feet will lead me. But it has been years, I have tried, but found no one who loves someone more than his/her own self. Funny realization isn't it? I've tried it myself. I thought I love this someone more than myself but turned out to be a fib. No, it can never happen. I love myself more than anybody and therefore I could not love a person more than myself because that is hypocrisy and impossibility joined into one.

In my land, I've met a lot of people, they come to me when they need me but in time I need help, No one ever comes back to offer help. And it sucks. When you expect them to be the one who could be with you in times you need them most. It really sucks more, if the rain is over and they would say, "you could have asked me for an umbrella, why didn't you tell me?" Is help, a thing you need to ask? Or is it something given to you without asking for it?

In my land, I have been battered and bruised but you know what? No one is going to watch you stand. They are only watching you when you fall down your knees.

In my land, I can cry out loud without ever worrying if people hear me because no one is ever going to listen to you. They hear me cry but they never ever listen.

Who wants to join me?

True friends

True friends on December 23, 2008 at 04:26 PM |

"One of the hardest things in life is to have words in your heart you can't utter." I've heard this line somewhere but I just forgot when and I don't remember who made this line. So whoever made this line my humble apology. I converse to people because life is about communication, about interacting and relating. But sometimes I felt so lazy to interact anymore that I want to lock myself inside a room with teddy bears inside. I'd rather be talking to a stuffed toy than to real persons. Yes sure, I am insane. But at least they listen (theoretically), they don't judge me, they don't criticize me.

Butterfly

Butterfly on December 23, 2008 at 05:07 PM |

I want to fly and escape. Am I a coward?

I guessed, I have spent my life running away from problems, running away from everything. But like a butterfly I wanted to find my own paradise.

Musing

Musing on December 24, 2008 at 09:57 AM |

The cold breeze and the drizzle over my head. My feet on the ground and my mind out of this world.  Tomorrow is Christmas and I am still out here looking for a new place to move to. The sun has decided not to show up today, I presume he has read my cranky mind. And I'm tad thankful. I can gait without the fear of his scorching heat. This is so familiar, it always happened to me. Like I couldn't count how many times I have been put in this situation. Too many times that now I feel nothing, it numbs me. The coldness devoid the sensation I anticipated to hit me. Who was I kidding? A whiplash of loneliness knocks me that tears welled from my eyes. They betrayed me, they always do.

This void, this hole in the innermost part of me, sometimes I think they are impossible to be peeled off. But wallowing in self-pity is something that can be avoided.

Sometimes the very disease people refuse to cure is creating their own miseries. We always refuse to see the brighter side of life. The drizzle continues and now I hear the sloshing of water. Maybe I am just fuming and forgot that for everything that is happening right now, God has a reason.

It's Christmas

It's Christmas on December 25, 2008 at 12:42 AM |

Outside the window, the city is celebrating Christmas. As I watched the glittering lights disappeared, a question was raised in my head, "Is Christmas truly in my heart?" Is it not the kind that will pass imperceptibly?

Do we really know what is Christmas? Do we really know why we celebrate it? Christmas is not about giving gifts, it's not about children, it's not even about family. Christmas is a reminder that Christ is one of us. It is something that we do to make sure we remember Jesus. If we let Him in to our life then Christmas can be celebrated everyday.

*Sigh* Another midnight rambling.

The mess

The mess on December 27, 2008 at 07:03 AM |

I will start the cleaning now. But where shall I start? It's too messy everywhere.

We all know that reality is a mess. But I will keep on cleaning. If I am not going to start. Who else will?

Help

Help on December 29, 2008 at 10:21 PM |

I think anybody can help me. I need to disappear in this world. Who wants to help?

Oh come on you don't know my sorrows, please don't pretend like you understand it, and please don't pretend like everything is ok because it's not ok.

Now let me tell you why you have to stop me from breathing, simply because I feel so damn futile. How would you feel if your birthday is coming, and you're going to be 23 and then all you have is a laptop. Period. Nothing else. And then there you are, working almost 10 hours a day and spend the money in just 2 days, half of which is given to your family and half of which you will be spared for bills and rents. And then oh I forgot, I have no place to stay. See? And is there more "worst" (redundance intended) situation than a complaining brother because you failed to send him money in just one pay day saying "You have conscience, right?." Well, I know things that were bothering me were so petty.  I can always find a way. I've been running my own feet for 7 years now, I know I can still manage to stand. But you know the feeling of, dismay and disappointment? You have been so selfless because you give them what they want and at the end, you hear no thank you, no appreciation.

I also have needs to fulfill, Believe me or not, I only bought a single pants this year. See? Am I selfish? God! What do I lack?

I'm literally throwing all my things right now because I could not cry, not a single drop of tears welled from my eyes. I could not cry, I can only hear panting inside me. So please stab me to death. Please, I want to cry.

Awakening

Awakening on December 31, 2008 at 02:41 AM |

It's almost 3:00 am, too early to wake up but I always want to wake up at dawn. You hear nothing but your heart beating, the plucking of the keyboard, the sound of your electric fan. Simply calm and serene. My window reflects different kinds of distorted images from the trees outside possibly. It's still dark and I am afraid to step outside my door so here I am, probably I won't be making sense this early. Again. I think about life. Life in a general sense. When I am in the good mood, I sometimes viewed life as an awakening. So if life is an awakening we won't probably grow old. Because like mornings, we always wake up, and then continue to live each day and then the next day there would be morning again. We won't grow old but I guess we will just continue growing.

And this is me in my early morning ramblings.

P.S: I am feeling better now.

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